Navigating Separation and Loss: A Story of Strength and Resilience | MAG009

Grace Oben: 00:00:00

Hello Hello beautiful people. Welcome back to magnetize it's your girl Chris Oban and I have yet today as my guest, the beautiful Madhura Joshi and Madhura is a performance coach for female entrepreneurs at Ignite your inner potential with Madhura. So, Madhura helps female entrepreneurs, entrepreneurs unleash their inner goddess to create the business and life of their dream. Welcome to magnetize podcast Madhura Joshi, the beautiful Madhura Joshi, how are you doing today?

Madhura Joshi: 00:00:42

Thank you, Grace, I'm so excited to be here on Magnetize. And ya know, I'm doing great. I got to get dressed up a little bit. So that was exciting on a Sunday. So, and getting back into the groove of the new year, kids go back to school tomorrow. I am so excited. It's

Grace Oben: 00:01:01

such it's such an honor to have you on here today. You know, you are you're one of those ladies that I really admire. I mean, the last year I listened to you do a presentation. It was amazing. I was so inspired. You know, I was I was so blessed, like your courage, your boldness, your confidence, your your fighting spirit. It's just, it's so what do I say? contagious? You got it. Thank you. And I admire you so much, and the work you do with women. That's just amazing. It's just great. And I'm like, Hey, I have to have this lady on my podcast. Like there is just no way. Thank you so much for creating the time. Thank you for being here. And we will just dive right in. So what is that major crisis, life crisis or awakening experience or transition? That you went through that you want to share with our audience, our listeners today?

Madhura Joshi: 00:02:02

Yeah, I think for me, the biggest transition. And I know, the two of us spoke about having to pick one specific one in our lives where there's been so many different transitions. But I think for me, when I made the decision to actually walk away from my marriage at that point, it was about two years ago, however, we never actually got legally separated. And after 11 months after he moved out of the house, he passed away. So it was a very tumultuous lot of transition, it was a lot of inner work that I was doing at that time to really find myself again, who is Madura outside of being a wife and a mom, and who is this woman and I have been coaching for quite a few years at this point. But I think that transition of being separated, but yet not legally separated. So technically, you're married, and then losing that spouse is a very weird kind of place to be here, so to speak, because there's no closure in one part. And then you're you're now a widow. Absolutely. And so yeah, being 38. And now I'm raising my two boys completely solo parenting. And that was kind of the biggest shift. But it was also from when you when there is a death of any sort, whether you're leaving the old version of yourself and you're rebirthing or there's a death of a partner, or a family member, whatever that looks like, there's always a birth of something new. And out of that loss. And out of that, that transition that I went through. I really kind of gained my wings so to speak, I unleash your inner goddess came to be and I had been kind of figuring out okay, what am I doing? How am I speaking? What am I speaking to? And I had this unleash your inner goddess in the background, and I knew Okay, she's coming up, she's coming up. And it was in March. I think at the woman ation event, I was not a speaker at that time, but I was a vendor, and I got my my banner up. And it had unleash your inner goddess. And I felt like okay, I landed, I finally, after all of these years of trying to figure out who my ideal client is, Who am I serving? How am I helping? I finally realized that point that that was it. And that was the trigger point of having to go through that major crisis and having to walk my children through it. And even dealing with the emotions around that because yes, I spent almost 13 years with that person. And almost 10 years married and so there is there's a it's a huge transition, despite our marriage, not necessarily working out at that point. So I think that's the biggest piece for me.

Grace Oben: 00:04:55

So there's this part where you talked about how the separation happened. But then before the official divorce would happen, your husband passed on. How was that? How How was that? Yeah.

Madhura Joshi: 00:05:12

So he started to get very ill towards the end of last year, because yeah, now it's been it's been a full year now, his death anniversary was on the fourth. And towards the end of 2022, he fell very ill and, and so it was like, Okay, what it was hit and miss. And I thought, okay, maybe because he was back home, maybe there might be a chance, but there's something that was just like, I don't know, I just, I couldn't place it. And so I'm thinking, Okay, I've got two young kids. But I think having him pass and having to walk my children through that was probably one of the most difficult, difficult things I've ever had to go through. Like, I lost, like, I hadn't seen him when he passed because his parents actually found him. And so I didn't see the body until the day of the funeral. And so I kind of had in the back of my mind, and I knew I had been to funerals. I knew what an open casket look like. So I was prepping my children. But in that moment of walking into the room, the viewing room and seeing him in his casket, I lost my legs, like I just everything broke within me. And I wanted to do that before I brought my children in, because I knew that if I had to handle my own emotions along with theirs, it just wasn't gonna go. So I went in, I had my moment and really just allowed myself to gain the courage and the strength to now do the second hardest thing to, to bring the children through. So that it was it was it's a very weird, it was a very surreal, weird scenario of emotions of, okay, this is a person that yes, you you were married to, and then you were separated from but still legally married to very weird, it's, it's not the like, oh, yeah, he passed while we were still happily married or anything like that. So the emotions of maybe. And I think also, because he wasn't in the house, there was a bit of separation, even for the children. So it wasn't as if they saw him and that I feel as a huge blessing because they didn't see him deteriorate towards the end. So they have beautiful memories of him. And that's what I want to preserve for them. But for me, yes, it's it was a very interesting, emotional, okay, how do I feel about this scenario? And I think it was a blessing for him. He's no longer suffering. And now we get to have a fresh start as a family and find new happiness and keep going. And the kids are young. I'm still young, so anything is possible for the future?

Grace Oben: 00:07:48

Yeah, that must have been really difficult. How long was the separation before he fell ill.

Madhura Joshi: 00:07:55

So we were he moved out of the house. So we were separated, and he lived in the house for a year and then 11 months, he was only out of the house for 11 months. So it wasn't a full year that he'd left the marital home before he passed. And it was it was as if he waited for our son's third birthday, because His birthday was on the second of January. And he passed. I guess they found them on the fourth. I'm pretty sure he passed in the middle of the night on the third. So I think he wanted to see him one last time for his birthday. And then and then pass so that it's not right one on top of the other for this, this child to be like, oh, yeah, my birthday. And then on the same day, my father has passed away. It's so I'm grateful for that. So that there's a bit of separation for the two of them. So yeah, so we had we were cordial. Like I always made sure that the kids saw him and and then when he was ill, I would have to take the kids to see him because he wasn't as mobile anymore to come and visit them. But he was very close by and and we just wanted what was best for the children to still have that relationship. And

Grace Oben: 00:09:02

was there any time that you felt any form of guilt?

Madhura Joshi: 00:09:06

Yes, there was a lot of guilt. There's a lot a lot of guilt associated with it, because it was there was questions like if he'd stayed longer was that what would have happened? And yeah, there was a lot of I think I battled with those interim motions for quite a while, and and realizing and after through therapy, understanding, you know what it was, when it's your time when it's your time, doesn't matter if you're within that house or outside that house, when you it's your time to go, it's your time to go. So I had to deal with some of the guilt that was associated with that because I was like, well, could he have lived a little bit longer, but I don't know because again, I don't necessarily think it would have kept him much longer, if anything, because I think yeah, he was it was his time at that point. So

Grace Oben: 00:09:55

so when that was going on when he was ill was the end moment that all Were there moments where you felt pity. Sorry, are you like, maybe I can take him back? Maybe I can see there's a way to fix his.

Madhura Joshi: 00:10:12

Yeah, no, I think for me by the time he had left the house, there was no, there was no him coming back. I think at that point, we realized like this is, at least for me, I realized no, this is not something that was going to be good for anybody, it was going to be a toxic environment if we stayed in the same house. And I know the whole theory of staying married for the kids than all of that. And don't get me wrong, I love a happy story. I don't think that everybody should just get divorced, or at the drop of a hat or anything like that. But I truly believe that if it is toxic, and both, it's better to have two happy parents and two miserable parents seeking and you can, you can be the best version for yourself for your children. So it I think, up until the point where I finally asked for the separation, there was a lot of guilt of being like, Okay, well, this, that and the other. But then even when we live together for that year, I knew I couldn't do it anymore. That once that year was up, and he chose to move out, I knew I was like, Okay, this will at least give us both some peace. And we can heal and be better versions of ourselves for our children. And that's, that's all we can do. And we can be happy that way.

Grace Oben: 00:11:31

So let's go out a little bit. Let's go to a little bit about external family in laws. How was it? How, how did you have some support? Were there some accusations? Were they like finger pointing?

Madhura Joshi: 00:11:46

Yeah, there's all kinds of stuff. I don't think they've really come out and said it in so many words. But I think there's there is a lot of resentment. There's a lot of blame, I think there's parts that they might believe that all because you left, this is what happened. And so they might not come out and say that in so many words, but that's okay. And and you know what, they, they suffered a tremendous loss. I don't think any parent should ever have to go through the loss of a child. I think we're not, we're not meant to do that. And so I look at it from that perspective. And I say to myself, look, I'm now responsible for my two children, and I now have to live my life and I get to do it freely. There's nobody else to I don't have to ask permission on how to raise my kids. It's now me solely doing that. And so now I get to finally do things on my own accord step into my own power and live life, not along the lines of what parents and grandparents and everybody wants you to do and be the good little Indian girl so to speak, I get to now find my happiness as an adults, which is actually very freeing. It's scary, too. Because obviously you follow you do all the things, you go to university, you get married, you have kids, and then you don't obviously don't expect to get married and then find yourself in this scenario. But I think yeah, it's kind of given me the wings to be like, No, I'm going to set boundaries for myself. And I'm not. I'm unapologetic about it now. And yes, it might rub people the wrong way. Because now I finally have a backbone, that I feel like people don't like it when all of these years you've acted one way. And now you stepped into your own and people are like, Oh, I don't like that. Because I can't control it. Yeah. So Yeah. So.

Grace Oben: 00:13:39

So during that time, so there were, I mean, blames from a loss and probably some other people. But then you also, even though you were separated. And even if you had divorce, but this is someone that you have shared your life with, you have two amazing boys with. So even though emotionally, you were detached in terms of love and all those things, but this is someone that you've known, you knew for like what is you shared your spiritual life or need for what fits in yours? And then you had these boys too. We're also dealing with the death of their father. You know, how did you manage the emotional roller coaster? How did you navigate it all the time?

Madhura Joshi: 00:14:31

Yeah, I think it was I just said to myself one day at a time, and there's days that I cried in front of my children. There's days I've lost patience with my children. I have had to weave we're all in therapy because I truly believe in therapy. I think everybody should go through it at some point or the other not because there's anything horribly wrong with you or it's because it still has a taboo, especially within immigrant family. knees, don't believe in it. But I truly believe that, when you have that, when you have therapy, it allows you to just open up and release some of those pent up and have a different understanding of the emotions that you're dealing with. So I think I just took it one day at a time, I, if I honored the space that my boys needed, if they required to talk about it, then we would talk about it, if they didn't want to talk about it, we didn't talk about it, I tried to give them new experiences, we ended up going to Mexico in the summer for a wedding. So just these experiences, and then we went houseboating, and to try to get them to say, hey, you know what, yes, this was a really crappy thing to happen. But we were still living, and we get to live our lives, and we get to experience new things. And I think that is hopefully what my children are going to take away. When time, time happens. And as time goes on, they'll they'll take that away from, from this experience. And luckily, in a in a good way, they are very young. So they might not remember this to that same degree, the older my eldest might, but my youngest was only four at the time. So his memories might be very minimal of this experience, and which is okay. And I will still like they have pictures of their dad in the room with them. And if they ever want to talk, I'm always open to talk about him. And I have videos that I will show them over time of him with them when they were babies and the good times. So I will always keep those memories alive. But really navigating all the emotions. I was just real with them. If I was crying, I let them see it because I and if they cried, I allowed them to cry. It was never old boys don't cry. I allowed them to feel what they needed to feel. And obviously there's they they tried to see where they could push the boundaries for sure. Because they're like, oh, and then I'm like, well, there's no why are we crying about this? Let's first understand, is it because you're not getting your way? Or is there something deeper? And, and also, I think there was a lot of fear around something happening to me that they were feeling so then actually even want to go stay with grandparents? Because they were so worried that oh, if if they stay there, something's gonna happen to me. So that was a big challenge to remind them that no, no, like, their dad was sick, there was a reason I'm fine, I'm healthy. There's no problem. And to always remind them, like, I come back, I come back. And then we were blessed enough to have roommates move in with us as a friend of mine and her kids are here. So now they have kind of like siblings around so the house is full, they have that they have people around so it doesn't feel as lonely for them. So I think all of those blessings, God's blessed us in many different ways with many different people and experiences and friendships. And I think my support system has been very huge in that way. My my friends have been my rock through it all and being able to lean on them and then coming over and bass going to their house with the kids can play has just been, I think the key piece on how to handle all of the emotions through it all. So

Grace Oben: 00:18:25

yeah. So how did this crisis this experience? How did it impact your life and the life of your voice?

Madhura Joshi: 00:18:33

I think the biggest thing for me is I realized that you don't know that you have tomorrow, you really don't. And if you live your life thinking you have tomorrow and day after and you're not in the present moment, you're missing, you're missing the point. And if you're living according everybody else's rules, you're missing the point, life is supposed to be lived for you and joyously and yes, there's going to be trials and tribulations of course. But in that, what is the blessing? What is that silver lining? What are you going to take out of it? And how can you be the best version of yourself every single day. And sure, there's days you're gonna want to cry and hide under a rock and want to throw your hands up and say I'm done. But really moving forward and looking at the blessings that you have, instead of looking at how life is maybe super crappy. And I think that's been the biggest thing for me is finally saying yes, to me, not everybody else. And even with my children and being like, No, I'm going out. And I'm saying even that mom guilt, releasing the mom guilt of living my life and saying, No, you're going to spend the night at your grandparents because I need a break. And if I don't get a break, you're gonna get a really cranky mom. And if you get a really cranky mom, she's not gonna have any patience. So I think that's really where it's come. It's it's saying to my kids, you know what you're going and if you want to whine you can whine I'm not leaving you in harm's way and releasing that For myself, giving myself the grace of saying, hey, look, despite everything, he was still your husband, you did go through a massive loss and allowing myself to feel all of the emotions, whether it was anger, frustration, sorrow, all of the emotions that you go through in grief and allowing them to come up whenever they may come up. Yeah, and, and now saying, okay, you know what, let's move forward, like, we've got a lot of life to live. It's not, it's not like I'm 95 I just turned 39. I'm like, I got so much life to live, and I'm not, I'm not going to stop because life goes on. They're no longer here, but our lives cannot stop just because they aren't here. It's our I feel like it's our duty, for those living to live a life that can leave a legacy. For those that have not had the opportunity to live that life and be positive and stay positive and know that, hey, no matter what, no matter what happens, God will have your back, God will guide you. And it's, I think, I've gotten closer to God, because of that, through all of this, it's really solidified my connection to God and allowed me to just lean and surrender into that. So that because I know I can't do this by myself, I cannot live life by myself. It does not work. And, and having that, that faith and and that connection has been huge for me. And I think even with the boys, them seeing me have more faith and really leaning into that. And they're also more excited and being like, oh, okay, well, and giving them a reason to turn and showing them. Yeah, bad things happen a lot of times in life, but we have to be grateful. And we have to be kind and teaching them all of those, those values that I think will be very beneficial as they continue to grow. And, and one,

Grace Oben: 00:21:55

it's so amazing, I love I love that mindset of life continues. Yeah, they're gonna be pains, they're gonna be tribulations, they're gonna be challenges. But at the end of the day of what good are we to those that are looking up to us for support, if we are not able to come out of that dark place and be that light, you get my point. And I just like the fact that you, you, you, you create that time for yourself, you go out and kind of like re re energize reboot, you know, because as it said, you can get from an empty cup, right? You you need to take care of your own self, to be able to be there to be present for your boys. And for the other people that you serve. You know, so I, that's my mindset, too, you know, and that's, that's what I teach my clients like, you have to like, there's always going to be challenges. But at the end of the day, it's about what you do with that, right? It's not so much about the challenges is what you do with it. What are you going to take out of it? Are you going to let it keep you down? Are you going to learn all the lessons you need to learn, right? And then you dust yourself and you wake up and you continue going God life again, continues? Right? So how did this experience shaped your your perspective on life relationships and your personal goals?

Madhura Joshi: 00:23:26

I think I'm more like I gave myself grace this last year, I said, You know what, it's been a year, I'm just gonna, I'm going to give myself grace. And 2024 is a new year, I heard somewhere that it's the fifth, there's a 15 year cycle that's ending. It's the Year of abundance, because if anybody's into numerology, it's the year of the eight. So I'm like, I am taking it all. I'm taking all of it. And I'm excited because I feel like okay, now I've I've gone through this, I'm still healing obviously, it's I don't think we ever stopped growing and healing and learning throughout throughout our lives. Because I believe if you're not growing, you're dying. And I have no intention of doing that anytime soon. And any day you are given that you're given to get to open your eyes in the morning is a blessing and it's a clean slate. So that's how I have kind of created my goals and knowing that I want to speak on more stages. I want to take my business in that direction, maybe more group coaching programs, and really impacting women on a grander scale with more people, but also allowing other people to come to me that feel called to work with me. So not really trying to control everything, but actually now setting the goals and following through and being consistent and just seeing allowing things to be followed through by inspired action. I think that's really what it is and doing things that light me up. So if it's a hack, yes, absolutely. It's a hack. No, I don't do it. I've just done like No, I don't have time to waste on things that do not bring me joy anymore. And sure there's things like, you have to do certain things. But okay, what how can you find joy in those things? When you run a business, there's things you don't want to do, you absolutely don't want to do it, but you're like, you know what, I have to do them in order to grow my business. So

Grace Oben: 00:25:18

like, like, you have to stop by the red traffic light.

Madhura Joshi: 00:25:22

Exactly, I can't just drive through traffic light, I'd have to stop, gotta put my seatbelt on. I have to pay bills, all of those things, but how can I bring joy into it? How can I be grateful for the opportunity, I have money in my account, I'm grateful that I can pay my bills. And and look at it from that perspective, because the sky, there is no limit, there is no limit to what we can achieve. There's no limit to where our lives can go as long as we believe. And I think after seeing this and realizing because he was cremated and realizing that's what you've come into, you don't come in with all of your houses and your cars and all the money you are desperate you are you're either in the ground in the casket or you're in the ground as ashes. And that's, that's what it comes down to. So how am I going to leave? What is my legacy going to be? So I wake up and I want to I want to know, okay, when when it's my time, what are people going to say about me? What are they going to say about me at my funeral, and I and as as morbid as that might sound? It just allows you to think how are you living your life every single day, that's going to allow for people to look back and say, Wow, I want my kids to be like, yeah, she was there for us. She always made sure that everything was taken care of she was there. She She cared, she loved us. And we lacked for nothing. And not necessarily in the material app, materialistic aspect of things. But I want my children to know that I showed up that way. I was kind I was generous. These are the kinds of qualities I want to leave this planet with. I want my obituary to say, Yeah, I was there for my friends. And that I left, I left a mark on this planet while I was here.

Grace Oben: 00:26:57

Yeah. And I always say to people that we have just one life to live on this earth. So you can as well just leave it graciously. You can as well enjoy it. Exactly. You know, and I'm so happy about how, in the middle of this in the middle of that crisis, that whole situation, you are able to find a new season in your life in your jaw and your purpose. Now you've got this, this amazing work you're doing with women, right? Helping business women, you know, doing business in a different style. You know, which I think it's so amazing. So how did you learn to embrace vulnerability to to find the courage to share your story? Because it takes courage every time I speak on on the stage, I have all these women will come to me and say grace, oh my gosh, you have no idea what he just did to me. While you were on the stage talking. It's like you are telling my story. It's the US speaking to me, you spoke right? To My Heart. How did you find the vulnerability and the courage to share your story,

Madhura Joshi: 00:28:13

I think I always have known for a while is because I've shared stories with friends and sometimes random people that I've talked to me. And I've had people come to me and say, oh my god, your story has has touched my life in so many ways. And I knew I knew that if I don't share my story, because I'm not unique. Like I'm, I am unique. But I'm not my story is not unique to just me, I'm sure hundreds, maybe 1000s of women around the world have gone through something similar. And if I don't share, I'm doing a disservice to all of them. Because I I've been given this gift to be able to speak on stages, to share this so that I can help those women feel empowered to realize they're not alone. Because in a society that has kind of gone away from community because we all live in our own little bubbles, where there's not the same kind of community they had back in the day where the all the women cook together and they raise the children together, we don't have those same kind of communities. And so I realized through my my work and my journey and and the science that I've worked with, I need to share it because that is what makes people connect. They cannot connect to me if I'm if they feel like I'm unattainable. But I have a story that is unrelatable to them. They can't connect with me. And so I'm doing a disservice. And it's scary to be vulnerable because I'm like, I don't know how people are going to react to this. Oh, you left your husband who had a sickness that that can hit in a weird way. For some people. There'll be like, Oh, how can you laugh? Like how could you leave someone? All of these different things, so even the courage to take that step? Up to see, you know what, I cannot do this anymore. Because I need to be able to be healthy to raise my children and staying in this is very taking me in the opposite direction. And so that's how I gain that courage is because I knew, if I don't share my story 1000s of women that need to vocalize that and it's within them will not have a voice, they won't have a voice. So, regardless, because I remember a coach saying they're gonna hate you if you do it, and they're gonna hate you if you don't. So I might as well do it. Because no, I might as well put myself out there because who knows who needs to hear the message. There's days I put messages out, and I don't know how it's gonna resonate with people. But I've got messages back from women saying, this is exactly what I used to hear today. This is this is the message this hit home. Wow, it was so powerful. So all of these things is what really allowed me to be vulnerable. Talk about talk about even that when you unleash your inner goddess, there's a lot of aspects of sexuality in there not not in the sense of like, lesbian or anything like that, but our own inner sexuality as a woman and our desires. And I'm not talking about that, because we don't we don't talk about it, we might talk about it within girlfriends, but it's not something that is talked about in society, it's very hush hush because women we are powerful, powerful beings. And, and when we tune into that feminine essence of who we are, that's when that's when we really start to shine. But we're if we're constantly in that alpha. And that's kind of how it all came about. Because I knew through my own journey of finding myself again and figuring out okay, what, what am I desires, I don't know, I've been a mom, I've been on Wi Fi, I have lost touch with who I am as a woman. And when I tuned into that, that was when it kind of was like a key unlock. And I was like, Oh, this is this is who I am again, and getting excited again about life and the possibilities. And my business started to grow. Because I was in tune I was aligned, I knew, Okay, this is what I desire out of my life, this is what I desire. And most women don't know that they're unable to accept compliments, they're unable to realize how amazing they are as they are. And that is, that is the foundation, or when you get that foundation, then then you can achieve anything. But if that basic foundation isn't there, it's really hard to make all the money you want, because you're not being who you were created to be. And that,

Grace Oben: 00:32:45

and that's amazing. It's amazing that you share that I remember, sometime last year I was in Mexico, I had a talk to do in Porto Viateur. And when I was the one of the the ladies came up to me, I was like, Chris, how did you get the courage to share your story? That she's a first thank you for impacting my life. This one will be How did you get the courage because this is something I've wanted, I've been wanting to do, but I've never had the courage, you know, so I let I let her know that when when it comes to share your story. You know, it's not it's not it's no longer about a year, because you have healed from the whole journey you've, you've healed from the experience, the reason why we get on the stage and do what we do or share our story, the way we do is because as you said, there is someone out there who is dealing with either a similar thing, probably the exact same thing and have no idea what they can do, how to come about out of this, or my enemy thinking is just them. They're the only one they are alone. They when they hear another person's story, then they know Oh, I'm not alone. This is not just me. I'm not the only one going through this and if they can go through that and overcome and become who they are. Now, I can choose so we give up. You give you give hope you give you inspire someone, and you empower another person. So is this something or what are what are the things that you hope when you when you sit now and you you look back at everything? How your marriage, what happened and all those things? Are there things that you hope that you you knew or understood before you got into the marriage or before this whole thing started? About one? Yeah, I think

Madhura Joshi: 00:34:32

I think I wish I knew myself. Like not that I didn't know myself. I wish I had better boundaries. I wish I had better boundaries. And I truly believe to this day that I was supposed to marry him to allow him to be a dad. I truly believe that. He was my biggest teacher in many ways, was my biggest teacher in many ways. And I I don't know if I would have learned those lessons. Had I not been in that marriage? So I don't regret it one bit, because I, we have two beautiful boys from that marriage. So it's, it's an I have had this conversation with a lot of people, they're like, Well, you could have had boys, or you could have had children somebody else and I said, but they wouldn't have been these children. And there is a reason for that. And so I don't look at this marriage as oh my god, it was, it was horrible or anything like that. It's, it was a learning for me to understand who I am to set better boundaries to not be a people pleaser. To not take on everybody else's, everybody else's stuff. And, and allow people to really step into their own Yes, so forth them, but ensure that, hey, you got it's your responsibility for your life, I am not responsible for anybody's life, including my children, obviously, I'm there to take care of them and raise them. But at the end of the day, they are responsible, they are individuals who will be responsible for themselves and their choices and their life. And, and I think going forward into whatever relationships I do go into in the future, is asking those questions like me being very well aware of what I will not put up with, right? What are my boundaries? What are my non negotiables and knowing full well that I I require this set of a relationship for myself, this is what I desire. And I wish maybe that piece of the puzzle. And and I think having conversations going forward for my children is okay, these are the kinds of conversations you need to have before you step into a marriage, end of story. Because

Grace Oben: 00:36:42

I do

Madhura Joshi: 00:36:45

Before you say I do They I do you these, these are basic questions to ask. And I think we're never taught that we're never taught, Hey, these are the kinds of conversations to have with your significant other if you're planning to get married. These are the kinds of conversations to have because no one is perfect. You're not there's none of us are perfect. And so we come with our own set of stickiness, as I like to call it. It's like our it's just our weird ways of being and things that we're stuck on. And as especially as we grow older, we're more stuck in our ways. So yeah, what what is our tolerance level? What are we willing to tolerate? Who are we allowing to treat us any which way and knowing our worth, so that we are unwilling to put up with things that you know what, no, disrespect is not an option. That's that's not a thing. And I matter just as much as somebody else. So my needs are just as important as the other person and also realizing, okay, it's never going to be a 5050. Some days, you're 60, you can bring 60 to the table, that person can bring 40 vice versa, there's days that you can only bring 30. And they can bring 70 Right. It's just it's all of those push and pull an understanding the other person and I think communication. You can't beat it. And not bottling everything up. If something's upsetting. You speak it speak it out. Yeah. Yeah. But that comes that comes with wisdom that comes with experience. And I think, yeah, I don't I don't necessarily know that you know, much in your early 20s. You're just going with the flow, you think you have to get married and you're like, Okay, I should do this as well. It's the next step. But as that's what you're that's what you hear. That's what society teaches you, you all of the movies from any movie I can think of it's all about the wedding, girls think about the weddings, and they don't think about the marriage. Nobody talks about the marriage, they talk about this big beautiful way. And reality of life of marriage is never spoken about. I know like Bollywood movies are the same. It's like these big extravagant, no one talks about what it takes to be in America.

Grace Oben: 00:39:06

So, you know, I like how you said that. How you spoke on the blessings and the lessons that you learned from it, and how you don't regret it and how you said, Yeah, you could have had children but they will not be this children. And and it's it's really amazing. It's really beautiful. And I think the that's and I think that's the mindset to have because at the end of the day, you can go back and change anything, everything that happened you can go back and change it so regretting and all the regrets and all those things are just gonna stop you from moving forward. I think the right mindset is just like your mindset and that's the mindset I have. Like, like even in my case, I sometimes I say I sit down and like you know as irrespective of everything that happen how the whole marriage 10 out of whatever the lessons I learned from that is the reason why I'm a way better wife today. Right? I'm a better woman in as a person, I'm a better wife. I understand marriage way better than I did then. Because I was able to sit back and say, okay, as much as the experience wasn't great. And what did I learn from this? Exactly? What What am I owning up as well? What am I what am I taking responsibility for?

Madhura Joshi: 00:40:31

Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, it takes two to tango. It takes two to tango. And, and I know, a man is not a mind reader. But I'm expecting something I can't make. And there's this this notion, I think that women have, oh, they should No, no, they shouldn't. If you don't communicate your needs, they're never going to know. And sometimes you communicate your needs. And yes, it lands on deaf ears. But that's a whole other conversation. But that the only thing you can do is control yourself. Yeah. And if you control yourself and being of service, being of service in a marriage, I think is huge. But you have to find a person who is also of the same mindset of being of service, if it's a mindset of selfishness doesn't work, it doesn't work, because you will be of service and they just keep taking. And that's that is that was an eye opener to really find yourself equally yoked to a person and find yourself with someone who really allows you to be yourself, there isn't jealousy that supports your goals or dreams. Because if you're if you're in a relationship where the person is jealous, you're never gonna thrive, you're gonna have, you're gonna have this ball and chain. So you need someone who's on the same wavelength. You need to have those discussions ahead of time and understand, hey, if I start a business or if I have a career, how are you supporting me? How can I support you? And asking those questions? Knowing how to argue understanding, okay, when you're upset with me, how are you going to react? How do I react when I'm upset? Do I need space and time? So it's a true understanding of yourself as you go into this as I'm going into whatever next next relationship happens and, and being able to bring that side of me without changing in a sense of the good parts of who I am. And allowing that to not have. I know a lot of women when they go through a divorce. They're like, I'm never getting married again. Forget it. There's no hope. But I don't for me, I'm a hopeless romantic. I want I believe in the happy ending. I truly believe that we can find a partner again. We we are we do have a second chance at love. And yeah, sure. The first time might not have worked out as we planned, but most of us get married very young.

Grace Oben: 00:42:57

Yeah, that's a football that finding a partner again, what are your toes? Where are you? Are you thinking? Are you open to that? Or you're still not ready? What

Madhura Joshi: 00:43:08

I'm definitely open to it. I'm definitely open to seeing where the where the wind blows. I had I had said to myself like I want a year before I even transition into that. I don't know why there's like there's a year for whatever reason people are like a year after you get divorced a year after you get separated a year. So I was like, You know what, I'm gonna give myself a year and if things progress Yeah, I love let's let's see what's out there. I I do I do want to find a partner again. I do want to step into that and and see, because I do I know the will I do not want to raise my boys by myself. I don't I feel they need a strong male role model. Obviously, I'm not just gonna pick anybody. I'm very protective in that way. I want to make sure it's the right person to do the to do that job. But ya know, I'm open to it. I want to see what what happens. I want to see where the wind takes me and and yeah, I'm open to love. Of course. I truly believe that sometimes life sometimes give life gives you multiple opportunities to find love. And you just have to be open to it and allow yourself to be vulnerable and not closed off because it's when you're not when you're closed off to that that's when you end up sometimes making the same mistakes again that you made the first time around. And, and trusting your instinct trusting your gut. I think that's another huge lesson I've learned is your instinct as a woman. A woman's instincts are your gut feelings are on point. It's about listening. If you don't listen, you'll get burned. If you listen, it usually works out at the end of the day.

Grace Oben: 00:44:51

So Madhura, What will you say to a woman who is listening to you and me, listening to us? To call might be going through a similar experience, or maybe just just in the winter of their life. And they are just like, not sure. Or thinking, will this ever be over? Will I wake up one day and this is over? What do I do? What like, what will you say to her,

Madhura Joshi: 00:45:22

I would say it, just like if you've ever had children, every This too shall pass, this too shall pass, it is not going to last forever, they're not going to be in diapers forever, they're not going to be breastfeeding forever. They're not going to be bottle feeding forever, whatever, all of those seasons pass. And yes, it might be hard. But really, truly find that grounding, find your peace somehow, whether it's in your faith, your friends, find, find that support system that will help guide you out of the season of winter. And I know it's hard, it's hard, there's days you want to give up, there's days you want to hide under a rock, have your cry, allow yourself to cry, do not bottle up those emotions. Have yourself a cry, allow yourself to feel and and trust that you are guided. And these are for you to be better. Everything happens for you, it's not against you, nothing is happening. Because you're a bad person or anything like that. It's always guiding you to the next version of yourself and to make you a stronger person and you're gonna look back, and you're gonna, you're gonna be so grateful that you didn't give up, you're going to be so grateful you didn't give up because something beautiful is on the other side of that winter, something beautiful and magnificent. And you yourself are going to your your blossoming. And it's like a lily, like a lily comes out of the mud, it grows out of mind. So always remember that that's no matter how hard it may feel. Have the faith that you're being guided, you're being guided, you're being guided to the other side, you just have to walk through this fire as hot as it feel as hard as it is you will come out on the other side better than ever before. And it's a beautiful journey. It's it's living in the joy. And I hate being patient is annoying. It's like, well, when I'm looking for it yesterday, I want to be a millionaire yesterday, I want my business to be there yesterday. But you cannot it's you cannot be that version. Because you have to go go through these trials and tribulations so that you can grow from them and be able to teach your clients and show them hey, you know what I actually went through the same thing you're going through, no one's gonna trust you if you haven't gone through something similar. No credibility. And so just keep your head high, find your support system, find your faith, because that's that is what's going to get you to the other side. And just keep going. But I did.

Grace Oben: 00:47:57

Absolutely. And I always say I say to people that life is a journey and in the journey of life in the marketplace of life, you're gonna go through those, you're gonna meet stop signs, you're gonna meet speed bumps, they are not telling you to give up or giving. It's just the speed bumps or just to sit you slow down. And then you take off again, really well the stop signs, Stop, look, check, save to go and then you move on. And it's season, right? You just like winter comes and goes falls camps, spring camps, summer camps. So are those challenges, you know, they're not there to break us, they are there to make us apps, right? They're not there to to build us up, make us builders build us up to become that solid person on the inside. Because if you're not really strong in the inside, it's difficult to handle anything that comes to you from the outside, right. So that's my mindset to keep going. Don't give up. And I always say the people who are crazy enough to believe that they can change their circumstances are the ones who actually do you know, if you can believe that you can change your circumstances, you will do it. Because you'll be amazing how your mind will open to possibilities once you sit down and say you know what, I can change it. I might not know everything I need to know to deal with it, but I can deal with it. And once you position yourself that way, your mind will be so open to possibilities and ideas and you just be amazed how God will just guide yourself, guide you towards people bring people your way that are going to help you to resolve this Madhura you I just I just I don't want to stop because you are you are you are pregnant with wisdom. You know you're pregnant with amazing with with so much and I don't want to I just want us to go on and on and on that. I just want to thank you for being here today. You know, you're just smiley so Amazing when you smile I smile you know it's so contagious. Like you're an amazing person. And Hey beautiful people that was Madhura you heard from her You heard her story, if she could overcome and become the woman that she is to the changing lives, you can tell so it doesn't matter what you're going through. It doesn't matter what season you are in in your life you might be in the winter of your life. It really doesn't matter. You can overcome you are strong you have what it takes to overcome that situation just like my dad did. And every other woman out there just know that you can to reach out for support. You're not alone. You're not an island. Don't try to deal with this whole thing all by yourself. There's always that one person you can talk to so look for support again, it's your girl Grace Oben, and this is Magnetized podcast. You can check me out and providenceguide.com and you will get my free gift. Grace free gift from graceoben.com Again, this was Magnetized and thank you have an amazing day and bye for now.